Sweet Memories

Saturday is the graveside service for my mother. She passed away on November 17, 2010 from the side effects of fighting everything they could throw at her for over 5 years. My Mom was one tough cookie. She had a stroke, then heart surgery, then fell and broke her leg (this after having had two new hips about 10 years ago). They diagnosed her with bladder cancer and I think she was finally glad to go.

My Dad passed away 16 years ago from Lou Gherigs Disease (ALS) that is one of the suckiest diseases that a body can have. Anyway, my Mom has spent 16 years waiting until we were strong enough to live without her so she could join her soulmate.

Anyway, the day of her funeral, there was a terrible snowstorm. She had expressed a wish to be cremated so waiting for the burial wasn't a real problem. I was good with it until about 3 weeks ago when it was time to start getting the arrangements for the graveside service completed. Turns out, I am not as over my grief as I thought I was. I think the hardest thing about losing her is how fast it happened. She went in the hospital on a Friday morning and passed away the following Wednesday morning. I had worked on Tuesday and Mike and I went down to Salt Lake to visit her after work. When I got there, I noticed the signs (of how close to death she really was) and told Mike I didn't think I had better leave. If I had not had the experience of ushering my Dad and my mother-in-law through the veil, I don't think I would have realized it was happening that fast.

I sat with her as she struggled to stay with us, and wished I could make it easier. I know in my heart she was not alone when she left that room for the last time, I just wish I could have given my Dad a hug and kiss one last time.

So now, I am once again gathering my thoughts to share at a service celebrating her life. I can't find the file that contains the talk I wrote for her funeral so I guess I am starting from scratch. Some one sent me an e-mail titled 25 things my Mother taught me. It was as if I could here her voice saying the things on the page. She had been on my mind so much I have dreamed about her. How wonderful to hear her voice, I just wish I could put my arms around her and tell her I wish I had been more patient with her and taken every opportunity I could to visit her.

I appease my hurt by knowing in my heart that she is in a better place with my father once again. She never liked being on her own and will be so glad to have his support and arms to hold her.

I love you so much Mom and Dad. I can't wait to see you again.

Parenting is Not For Wimps

I used to hate it when my kids would be up all night knowing that I still had to be at work the next morning at 6 a.m. regardless. The little darlings could have a nap at the babysitters but Mom didn't get that luxury. Then there was 12 years of missed assignments and "I don't know" hiding the homework that did get done. Fights on the playground, fights on the bus, calls from the attendance office, ear infections, colds, tonsilectomies, broken bones, stitches and the list goes on and on.

I would take it all back and live through it again. It is much easier than being a parent and watching your kids go through things you can't fix. I pray a lot but feel so helpless as I watch my boys endure challenges that I know will turn them into men and prepare them for their own turn at parenting, but boy it is hard. I try not to be a "helicopter" parent but a Mom worries don't you know.

I just try to make sure my boys know how much I love them and that I am proud of them when they make good decisions. And when they make mistakes I love them anyway and stand by them as they suffer the consequences of their actions.

Just saying though, it was much easier when I could put a "Bob the Builder" bandaid on it and kiss the booboo better.

Baby Boys

Twenty nine years ago today, I was pretty much miserable. Then I received one of the two best gifts in my life. Brandon will turn 29 tomorrow. After a rocky start, and 8 long days in the NICU at McKay Dee hospital, we brought our precious baby home and life as we knew it changed forever. So here he is 29 and starting a new year and a new page in his life. He and his wife Becca moved to West Valley to be closer to family. It was wonderful to have them come for dinner tonight and not have to rush because of an 8 hour drive home. Plus it will give him and his brother a chance to interact together as adults.

I am so proud of my son who is not afraid to step out of his comfort zone and make a new start. He is so blessed to have a partner who supports him and uplifts him and helps him explore all the possibilities that exist for the two of them. So as I sign off I just need to say Happy Birthday Brandon. I love you and our lives are so blessed because you chose to be a part of it.