Sweet Memories

Saturday is the graveside service for my mother. She passed away on November 17, 2010 from the side effects of fighting everything they could throw at her for over 5 years. My Mom was one tough cookie. She had a stroke, then heart surgery, then fell and broke her leg (this after having had two new hips about 10 years ago). They diagnosed her with bladder cancer and I think she was finally glad to go.

My Dad passed away 16 years ago from Lou Gherigs Disease (ALS) that is one of the suckiest diseases that a body can have. Anyway, my Mom has spent 16 years waiting until we were strong enough to live without her so she could join her soulmate.

Anyway, the day of her funeral, there was a terrible snowstorm. She had expressed a wish to be cremated so waiting for the burial wasn't a real problem. I was good with it until about 3 weeks ago when it was time to start getting the arrangements for the graveside service completed. Turns out, I am not as over my grief as I thought I was. I think the hardest thing about losing her is how fast it happened. She went in the hospital on a Friday morning and passed away the following Wednesday morning. I had worked on Tuesday and Mike and I went down to Salt Lake to visit her after work. When I got there, I noticed the signs (of how close to death she really was) and told Mike I didn't think I had better leave. If I had not had the experience of ushering my Dad and my mother-in-law through the veil, I don't think I would have realized it was happening that fast.

I sat with her as she struggled to stay with us, and wished I could make it easier. I know in my heart she was not alone when she left that room for the last time, I just wish I could have given my Dad a hug and kiss one last time.

So now, I am once again gathering my thoughts to share at a service celebrating her life. I can't find the file that contains the talk I wrote for her funeral so I guess I am starting from scratch. Some one sent me an e-mail titled 25 things my Mother taught me. It was as if I could here her voice saying the things on the page. She had been on my mind so much I have dreamed about her. How wonderful to hear her voice, I just wish I could put my arms around her and tell her I wish I had been more patient with her and taken every opportunity I could to visit her.

I appease my hurt by knowing in my heart that she is in a better place with my father once again. She never liked being on her own and will be so glad to have his support and arms to hold her.

I love you so much Mom and Dad. I can't wait to see you again.

Parenting is Not For Wimps

I used to hate it when my kids would be up all night knowing that I still had to be at work the next morning at 6 a.m. regardless. The little darlings could have a nap at the babysitters but Mom didn't get that luxury. Then there was 12 years of missed assignments and "I don't know" hiding the homework that did get done. Fights on the playground, fights on the bus, calls from the attendance office, ear infections, colds, tonsilectomies, broken bones, stitches and the list goes on and on.

I would take it all back and live through it again. It is much easier than being a parent and watching your kids go through things you can't fix. I pray a lot but feel so helpless as I watch my boys endure challenges that I know will turn them into men and prepare them for their own turn at parenting, but boy it is hard. I try not to be a "helicopter" parent but a Mom worries don't you know.

I just try to make sure my boys know how much I love them and that I am proud of them when they make good decisions. And when they make mistakes I love them anyway and stand by them as they suffer the consequences of their actions.

Just saying though, it was much easier when I could put a "Bob the Builder" bandaid on it and kiss the booboo better.

Baby Boys

Twenty nine years ago today, I was pretty much miserable. Then I received one of the two best gifts in my life. Brandon will turn 29 tomorrow. After a rocky start, and 8 long days in the NICU at McKay Dee hospital, we brought our precious baby home and life as we knew it changed forever. So here he is 29 and starting a new year and a new page in his life. He and his wife Becca moved to West Valley to be closer to family. It was wonderful to have them come for dinner tonight and not have to rush because of an 8 hour drive home. Plus it will give him and his brother a chance to interact together as adults.

I am so proud of my son who is not afraid to step out of his comfort zone and make a new start. He is so blessed to have a partner who supports him and uplifts him and helps him explore all the possibilities that exist for the two of them. So as I sign off I just need to say Happy Birthday Brandon. I love you and our lives are so blessed because you chose to be a part of it.

Little Boys and Their Toys

Tonight was the Pine Wood Derby for our Cub Scout troops. Mike was a judge and said you couldn't go to a race without the proper attire. So with his Mark Martin shirt, his "Go Daddy" coat and his Kobalt Tools hat off we go. We also took his 41 year old PineWood derby car and Dave's car. Brandon's car is nailed in his shadow box so it got to stay home.

Talk about nerve racking. Some of those cars ran so close together it was very hard to tell who won the heats. After all the real kid's cars had all run, I asked the guy who owned the track if we could run my cars. This guy had all these fancy cars in metal boxes for the boys to look at. I was kind of embarassed to take our family's plain cars up there but did it anyway. Mikes car is about 41 years old (circa 1968 we think). When he saw this very plain old car, he was very excited and offered to BUY IT. I was flabbergasted. He said he had been looking at DI and every where for some to show the kids the older styles. You should have seen the look on his face when I said we had another one at home just like it.

So to make a long story short, we declined the offer to sell them but said we would let him borrow them if he wanted. I thought it might be fun for each of my boys to have one of their Dads cars along with theirs to shoe their kids. Maybe someday we can be a three generation PineWood Derby car family.

It's kind of funny how (when you are an orphan) how much family and generational stuff means. I am so greatful to our Moms who saved silly stuff like our report cards etc.. that will be fun to show our grandkids some day. I will even be able to explain to them what wonderful people their Great Grandparents were and how lucky we were to have them. It pleases me to think that somewhere in the spirit world, maybe even now, they are guiding and helping each other while we down here desperately miss one generation while waiting patiently for the next generation to bless us with their presence.

This is my blog and these are my feelingss

So it has come to my attention that some one has taken offense to a comment I posted on my blog yesterday. I never intentionally set out to hurt anyones feelings but the fact of the matter is this is my blog and these are my thoughts and feelings. The sad thing about the events of yesterday is someone made that same comment when I commented on a post she had made.

I am terribly sorry that someone has taken offense to my comments. I wasnt even thinking about her when I made the comment that she found offensive. So life will go on and I will continue to act in a manner that ultimately means "do no harm" and if anyone takes offense but chooses not to talk to me about it, then I guess that is something they will have to deal with on their own.

Life is Great

I have been reading my oldest son's blog. I have to admit he has a real way with words. My goal for this year is to be more consistent in updating my blog. I am home today (day two of sick leave) with the flu. I am feeling better but have had the most awful hiccups all afternoon. Add that to a sore throat and not being able to catch my breath and I have been pretty much miserable.

So Brandon and Becca have celebrated their 1st anniversary. They seem content. Things are not perfect but they seem to have open communication (with each other--not their parents, which is how it should be). I am so happy that they seem to be resolving things and getting on with life.

Dave has been dating a very nice girl for about 4 months now. She has a very positive attitude and is working on her schooling. I am sitting quietly (very hard for me) and watching how this relationship develops. Dave seems to be doing well at work also. It is reassuring to see positive things finally happening for this kid. He will probably always struggle with certain aspects of his life. but he deserves good things. He has the biggest heart and the most giving nature and is growing up so well.

Blessings I have received

I am continuing the message from my last post. I am truly blessed in my life with a great family and good friends. I have been given the opportunity to accept a new position with an accounting firm here where I live. This is after 24 and 1/2 years with the government, which has been very good to me. It is great money, great benefits and I can still retire in 6 years. Mike has commented that he will not mind being a kept man, I am thinking of buying him a new apron.

I think that this opportunity is my blessing for the years of sacrifice I have made for my family. Sacrifices made without begrudgement because I know what is important in my life. Whether it was downgrading so I could help my kids succeed in school, the time I lost from life and work helping my family deal with my father's illness and death, the time missed from work and life as we dealt with my father-in-laws illness and death and the time I spent taking care of my beloved mother-in-law as she battled cancer.

I am excited about my new experiences that I will enjoy. I admit, it's terrifying to make a change at my age, and I am not the bravest person in the world. I have spent the whole day having a panic attack just wondering if the rug would be pulled out from under my feet and the opportunity would just be a joke. I have made a habit in life of not expecting too much because the less you expect the easier it is when you don't get anything. Less disappointment that way.

The best thing about the whole experience is they came looking for me. All along I would say if your looking for ........., I am not your girl, whether it was lots of hours, the education I am lacking and not interested in seeking. I also was not to interested because originally the offer would have required me to give up about 1/2 of the vacation days I now accrue in a year. And I wasn't willing to do that. I wasn't trying to be difficult, or hold out for more money. I already make more money that I ever thought I would in my life, I have a great job with a great company working for a great boss. Good hours (pretty flexible) and the ability to work from home. How great could it get??????

Well along came the offer that includes the same vacation days practically, flexibility of work hours, the ability to work from home if I need to and a great office to work in. I know quite a few of the employees there so it won't be like going to a strange office. How good can it get. Well I will have to keep you posted because the sky's the limit.

Happy Days.